|Posted by Angie Merriam on January 13, 2014 at 11:25 AM|
Sometimes the darkness is too much. The light feels so far away. Her heart is heavy and her mind weary. No one knows the sadness she feels. No one understands the secrets she keeps. She longs for an escape and finds one in a bottle.
She has become a master of deception. Her face gives nothing away. Her smile remains in place and she laughs at the right times. If only she could express herself. She wishes for someone to tell her secrets to. Instead she finds her friend in a bottle.
Her heart is battered. Her feelings are bruised. The numbness settles in making the day’s easier to bare. She pretends she’s okay. She never speaks of the fear of losing herself yet she feels it all slipping away. The failure she feels is worse than the physical pain. Her body can take the abuse but her soul can’t take the failure so she turns her head to the bottle.
In her darkest moments she questions why. Why must she endure such hurt? Why must she love someone more than she loves herself? Why must that lover tear her apart? Does she deserve such pain? She must deserve the abuse. That’s what she tells herself when she’s lost in her bottle.
Day after day slips away. Her smile begins to fade. Her laugh comes less and less. The loneliness is unbearable. Her only solace is escape. The clear fluid burns away the pain. Every sip of her bottle numbs her heart a little more until she feels nothing. She loves to feel nothing. She loves the feeling of freedom from the pain.
If only she had found solace in a real friend. If only she hadn’t felt the need to keep the secrets of her lover. If only she didn’t feel the blame of her lovers abuse. If only she knew the love others felt for her. If only that bottle hadn’t been so tempting, that fluid temporarily healing every crack in her heart. If only she had found the bravery in herself she may not have been lost to the bottle.
The bottle that was once her confident. The bottle that whispered in her ear and enticed her with the feeling of nothingness. She felt happiness at the sight of her bottle. She longed to feel the burn of the liquor sliding down her throat as it settled in her belly. It reminded her that she was alive until the day that she wasn’t. The bottle was the thing that kept her pain away and the thing that took her life away. She lost to the bottle.